things move around

She needs no introduction - she speaks for herself
in a voice audible from Hawaii to Guelph;
she’s a gold medal cert at the Loudmouth Awards,
she’s the girl with the big gob and vast vocal chords.

She trumpets her trivia like it’s the news
of a triumph at 22 new Waterloos
and immediately everyone stands and applauds
the girl with the big gob and vast vocal chords.

The corridor quivers, the office is rent
by what sounds like a dread cataclysmic event,
but it’s not the approach of barbarian hordes,
it’s the girl with the big gob and vast vocal chords.

It’s quieter now, though it still perseveres,
since I took a machete to each of my ears -
for no nuclear warhead or army of swords
can silence her big gob or vast vocal chords.

She brays like a buzz-saw, now distant, now near,
as insufferable as she is insincere;
oh emptiest vessel, most brazen of broads,
oh girl with the big gob and vast vocal chords!

I entered the mall via a regular-sized door. In the course of the next hour, I would buy nothing, and see nothing I wanted to buy, as the mall wrapped itself around me like a straightjacket. I would lose my bearings in a numb succession of Escher-like escalators - Escherlators? - and other people as forsaken as myself. I’ll have to go back to the mall one night after work this week.

Bill Carmichael is ranting about Clipboard Man and loony Liberal boroughs. Wouldn’t be the same without you, Bill. Eid Mubarak! Happy Xmas!

I contemplate my posture constantlye.
We contemplate our postures constantlie.
They contemplate their postures constantle.
He contemplates his posture constantley.
One contemplates ones posture constantlei.
She contemplates her posture constantly.

morrison

insidious calorific endoscope

in the beginning was the fin-o

becoming grapes again in the belly

So Charles Clarke, perennially described by the press as a political “bruiser,” ascends gracelessly to the Home Secretary’s job. But really how much of a “bruiser” is Mr Clarke? Based on the Mathers Maxim, which states that “one is whatever they say one is, and if one wasn’t, then why would they say one is?” I performed a quick analysis of Google hits for the names of all the significant current members of the cabinet, and David Blunkett, coupled with the word “bruiser.”

The results are conclusive. The only cabinet-members to come within a length of Clarke in the bruiser stakes are Gordon Brown (who has held a much more reported-on office for a long time now), John Reid, and John “left ‘ook” Prescott. The others trail in the distance, Alistair Darling living up to his uber-camp moniker by scoring a risible 31.

It should be noted that in many of the results for the lower-scoring politcians, the “bruiser” reference was actually to one of the high-ranked. Alistair Darling’s 31, for example, include 4 references to Reid, 3 to Prescott, 2 to Clarke, 10 omitted similar links, and 12 others (single-scores and unidentifiable due to subscription-only). This “proximity effect” should be borne in mind when conducting further analysis of the results.

In sum, the Mathers Maxim suggests that in appointing Charles Clarke to the post of Home Secretary, Tony Blair has undoubtedly, and verifiably, selected a 100% top of the charts bona fide bruiser - a bruiser of the very highest order. The results in full:

“Charles Clarke” bruiser - 398
“Gordon Brown” bruiser - 349
“John Prescott” bruiser - 255
“John Reid” bruiser - 236
“David Blunkett” bruiser - 208
“Jack Straw” bruiser - 127
“Peter Hain” bruiser - 67
“Geoff Hoon” bruiser - 55
“Patricia Hewitt” bruiser - 44
“Tessa Jowell” bruiser - 41
“Alistair Darling” bruiser - 31
“Paul Murphy” bruiser - 27
“Margaret Beckett” bruiser - 21

Note - Tony Blair omitted due to ubiquity.

then it probably is shit.