How to get out of debt
Monday, June 28, 2004
When in debt, it’s important not to simply bury your head in the sand and hope everything will be OK. Instead, you need to face facts and come up with a plan. You don’t have to be a financial expert, or even Alvin Hall, to come up with a sound financial plan. As soon as you have a plan, you will instantly feel better, even if your plan is to simply bury your head in the sand and hope everything will be OK.
There are no magic bullets for indebtedness. Avoid loan companies whose television adverts contain any of the following: ugly people, handsome people, people dancing or singing, people with hangdog expressions, fake game shows, people walking through a maze, helpful telephonists. Instead, visit a loan shark. Like the Lone Ranger, the loan shark is to be found stood at the nearest saloon bar, his famed steed the Silver Beamer idling outside. Give the loan shark a copy of your financial plan and ask him to advance you a pony. He will lend you Tonto’s pony, because Tonto, who is addicted to gin and suffered ricketts in his infancy, will be slumped unconscious over by the pool tables. Watch out for pool sharks. They are usurious typists and secretaries who intimidate their victims by deliberately inserting typographical errors and lewd jokes into legal documents. Ride the pony into Jerusalem while having your friends fete you with palms. Credulous people will hurl dinari at you. Convert the dinari to Pounds Sterling at a Bureau d’Intertemporal Exchange, and use it to pay a Private Dick to dig for dirt on Alvin Hall. Use the skinny on Hall, who almost certainly is a closet heterosexual, to blackmail him into giving you insider financial advice. Hall will tell you to spend less money and work harder.
But remember, there is no easy way to get out of debt.
