the ship and mitre

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

A wizened old man on the far side of the room extended a claw and beckoned. I approached, and drew myself down to a level three and a half feet off the ground, where the gentleman’s head was suspended on a platter of pipe-smoke. A dull twinkle showed itself in the inkpot of his eye as he began to speak. And this is what he said:


 

MODULE Sum EXPORTS Main;

IMPORT Math,IO;

VAR n:=0;
sum,last_sum:=0.0;

BEGIN

(* Increasing n. *)

REPEAT

last_sum:=sum;
sum:=sum+1.0/(1000.0*FLOAT(n)+Math.Pi);

(*IO.PutInt(n);IO.Put(”\t”);IO.PutReal(sum);IO.Put(”\n”);*)
n:=n+1;

UNTIL last_sum=sum;

IO.Put(”\nIncreasing n.\n\n”);
IO.Put(”n=”);IO.PutInt(n-1); IO.Put(”\n”);
IO.Put(”sum=”);IO.PutReal(sum); IO.Put(”\n”);

(* Decreasing n. *)

sum:=0.0;
last_sum:=0.0;

 

WITH max_n=n

DO FOR n:=max_n TO 0 BY -1 DO

 

last_sum:=sum;
sum:=sum+1.0/(1000.0*FLOAT(n)+Math.Pi);

 

END;

IO.Put(”\nDecreasing n.\n\n”);
IO.Put(”sum=”);IO.PutReal(sum); IO.Put(”\n”);

END;

END Sum.


 

There was no doubt that his story had a beginning, a middle and an end. As the exterior world hauled me back in to its lurching deck, like an achor from an uncharted trench, I wondered which bade me the most ill.

ss&p

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

As the great menace himself is again unable to be with you in person, he’s asked me to say hello for him.

And I’d just like to point out that in three hours’ time he will be officially, irretrievably, irredeemably unemployed.

Can anyone see a downside to this? I’m struggling.

- KE

10 grams

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

A quartz pebble outside my door. Knucklebone of Alba.

thicket

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

i’m feeling a little bit unstable -

in a good way, like a comet in a highly elliptical orbit.

only a well-made cup of tea binds me to the ordinary world.

the clickclack of keyboards made sharp by a roaring sunlight through salmon-coloured Venetian blinds.

it’s going to be a hell of a summer…

Eat your heart out, Byron

Monday, March 29, 2004

Who is this girl Kate -
a goddess, or faerie queen?
both of those, i’d say.

am i good enough
to be worthy of her hand?
no, i’m just lucky.

i hope that one day
soon, Kate will look up to me -
too bad i’m so short.

Me, only better

Monday, March 29, 2004

Hi, everyone! Menace here! How’s it going?

Let’s talk about chips, or football. How about that Wayne Rooney? Go Everton!

No, wait. Let’s write a nice poem instead. Er - anyone know something that rhymes with ‘Cartesian dualism’?

Dum de dum de dum….

Hey! Has my blog always been this revolting colour?

Hang on. What I really meant to say here is: I sold my computer. And I’m really busy at work this week and all, so I haven’t been able to post for a bit, and probably won’t be able to for a bit longer. Bugger.

But don’t worry. If I really can’t find any time to post, I’ll maybe get Kate to post something for me, but in my own style instead of hers. It’ll be great! You won’t even know the difference! We’re practically interchangeable.

In the meantime, while I am still doing my own posts, I feel I don’t really say enough nice things about Kate on here, so let me start by saying she has lovely hair. And she’s a babe! And she always beats me at arm-wrestling. Go Kate! I am in awe of both your genius and your graciousness, darling.

I truly think this is one of my finest posts, ever. I’m sure you all agree. Hooray!

the old block

Saturday, March 27, 2004

in the chippy, queueing with glutinous people, shit-for-breakfasts, belching out the afterbeat of a week that wasn’t

one fifty jumbo special

the sky weighing down around your shoulders like a wet, grey cagoule

potato men, the curl of our lips reflecting in empty shop-windows

breakfast of champions

Saturday, March 27, 2004

if it’s green, it must be good for you, right?

lime to ward off the scurvy - got a voyage coming up.

a bunch a grapes

Friday, March 26, 2004

ya, a whole bunch of ‘em

mobile madness

Friday, March 26, 2004

So I put a small ad in the paper. Xbox for sale. Derisory or nearest offer. 07947 ******.

The first text message meeped onto my Nokia screen at eight p.m:

- do u have any games 4 the xbox
- Why yes, I have three games. They are Football Game, Driving Game and Crap Game Which Came Free When I Bought It

[a short time passes]

- wot games do u have
- I just told you
- no u didnt
- wat is the least u wud take
- Make me an offer
- do u have ne driving games
- sorry mum says i cant get it
- i will give you 20 quid is that ok
- Ummm
- ok then 50
- Woah, fifty’s fine
- but i said 20
- will u take 45 cash

[Phone rings. I resist the urge to jam it into the Xbox’s CD drive along with two packs of firelighters and an England’s Glory.]

- Yes?
- I’m calling about your ad. Fifty five quid, I’ll come round tomorrow.
- Are you one of the fuckers who’ve been texting my ass?
- …
- Ok, sold. What time can you be here?

[Hurls telephone at wall].