OED
Monday, April 28, 2003
“Gyromancy” - Divination by inference from the point at which a person walking round and round a marked circle fell down from dizziness.
Who’d have thought it’d catch on?
Strachan
Saturday, April 19, 2003
reprinted in full, the immortal song by the (desrevedly, apart from this) little-known act, The Hitchers (skip this now if you hate pop lyrics - I promise, it won’t happen again. Oh what a night, etc. etc. I promise, boss-reader).
——————————————————————————————————
She waited for the match to start to start a fight up with me,
She said “what’s that you’re watching?”
“It’s a programme about art”
She said “a programme about art?”
I said “a programme about art”
And then the greatest midfield artist of them all
walked out onto the park;
the crowd were on their feet, and they
whistled and they cheered
for the tiny wee Scotsman with the copper-coloured hair.
She said “you just don’t care,
You never listen you know.”
Lukic on to Wetherall,
and Wetherall to Dorigo,
Dorigo knocks it on to Fairclough,
Fairclough looks for Speed,
Now she’s ranting like a lunatic
“I’m switching off that tele!
Look at me while I’m talking to you”
as Strachan now puts Kelly through,
there’s one man pulling all the strings,
all twenty two
know damn well who,
The air begins to thicken -
inside the box, Strachan has stricken -
the gap unveiled,
he makes the kill,
one nil.
She waited for the match to start to start a fight up with me,
She said “what’s that you’re watching?”
“It’s a programme about art.”
She said “a programme about art?”, I said
“A programme about art,”
and then the Artist tackles perfectly
and floats over the park
to the right for Rodney Wallace
who knocks it into Deane,
and now the Deane-machine to McAllisater,
and McAllister’s just seen
that Gordon Strachan’s slipped his marker,
and he’s free now in space,
and now they’re pouring forward, spraying the ball
all over the place;
now Gary Speed is involved again,
he steadies the ball,
“Am I talking to myself?” she says
“Or talking to the wall?
Will you look at me when I’m talking to you?”
as Fairclough now puts Strachan through -
there’s one man pulling all the strings,
all twenty two know damn well who;
the air gets even thicker -
the keeper’s quick,
Gordon Strachan’s quicker,
the gap unfurled,
he makes the kill,
two nil.
She waited for the match to start to start as fight up with me;
She said “what’s that you’re watching?”
“It’s a programme about art,
if you don’t take your grief and backbiting and get outta my face,
I’m going to sit right here and whistle my way through Melrose Place.
You could’ve lit the air in the room with a matchstick;
McAllister’s cross sets up Strachan’s hat-trick;
the gap revealed,
Strachan’s skill,
three nil.
from the Egyptian Book of the Dead
Monday, April 14, 2003
Thou sendest forth the north wind at eventide, and breath from thy nostrils to the satisfaction of thy heart
Who said chat-up lines ain’t what they used to be?
hitching a lift
Monday, April 14, 2003
You’re standing in the lift. There is a mirror in the lift.
You raise an eyebrow seductively. Then the other one. Surprise. You spin around.
You whip out an imaginary pistol and dangle it in a louche manner. Just time for a mini-strut. Smoooove. A bell rings.
I wonder if Fred & Ginger ever got stuck in a lift together?
Women’s magazines
Sunday, April 13, 2003
Posted on behalf of my pa:
—————————————————————–
Dear readers, win a date with dishy James Nesbitt!
Seven of these twelve idiotic statements are from the covers of recent Women’s Magazines (Bella, Chat etc.)
Five are entirely fictitious.
Just tell us which ones you think are real!
1. My husband went fishing and caught a whopper (a blonde named Janice)
2. My mate Steve chopped my fiancee’s head off!
3. Sent to Rot in Hell - ‘cos of an iced bun!
4. Food horror 2 - I tricked my porkie pie man & his tart.
5. Food horror 3 - Divorced - for eating a Shredded Wheat with Water.
6. My husband’s secret lover was a Man.
7. An Alien lump grew in my Tummy (and you’ll never believe What it Was)
8. My husband went fishing - and caught a female pygmy from the Congo.
9. I was impregnated by a dwarf alien who said his name was Steve Ballasero.
10. Food horror 4 - I ate a packet curry, then needed an op. to remove a Shetland pony’s hoof from my lower intestine.
11. My husband’s secret lover was a giantess who worked night shifts in a Shredded Wheat factory.
12. My mate Anton chopped his own head off, then ate it.
tricky eh?
screwed
Saturday, April 12, 2003
An acquaintance of mine was her analyst.
She had this way of speaking, a drawl proportional to the truth of what she said. At her most two-faced she’d've made a good Voice-over Girl. At her most honest, she was unintelligible.
She’d trot out equations like a row of go-go dancers.
She said Sartre was a fraud and a virgin who didn’t flirt enough, although berets turned her on.
In bed, she refuted causal physics.
As my friend said, “she had a sexy mind”.
lights out
Friday, April 11, 2003
the sun has fallen down like a groom on a stag night, his pants round his ankles, like a plumb-line, like your hair used to when it was long and you shook out a bobble, as the sun does, when my mind strays, as my mind does, sometimes